Communication

Let's be honest, some couples start well, but mid-way, they end up arguing till the neighbors come knocking. Communication shouldn't be exhausting and insults don't have to be exchanged. Personally, I don't think I'm any better than most of you. I've had a fair share of rows with that special someone. I know what led to most of them. So, permit me to share some communication tips with you.
What's your focus when communicating with your spouse? The focus of some couples is gossip, the in-laws, their finances and the kids. Some talk about their ambitions, career, vacation, and family. Some are battling health problems, and hence health, insurance, money and other related issues come up from time to time. In no particular order, here are some issues you could dialogue on.
Work: You can begin by talking about how your day went, your challenges and achievements and also listen to your partner talk about theirs. If your partner isn't working, maybe they just lost their job or they've always been a stay at home mom or dad, it may appear as if you're bragging or inconsiderate. Check for non-verbal signs such as a scrunched up face/nose and pursed lips to tell they how they feel about it.
Your relationship: It's good to get some validation specially if you've noticed some friction between you two lately. Make them open up in a loving way in-between kisses and soft touches. Massaging works well. It doesn't have to be in bed, you can grab them from behind in the kitchen or living room when you're both alone, knead their shoulders lovingly, kiss their nape and whisper in their ear, "I know I've been a jerk lately. It's been crazy at the office. Since Bob went on vacation, my workload has tripled." Most likely, she would validate your statement with this, "Yes. You've been such an ass. I'm glad you figured it out. We should talk more often like we used to." And then a sorry you will say, "I couldn't agree more. I already made a reservation at our favorite restaurant. We'll drop the kids with Adunni." So there you have it- your validation and a solution.
Bare your soul: Tell them all you've been holding back. It keeps haunting you that he doesn't know what happened that night at the party. He may not forgive Leo but he needs to know the truth now. Tell him about your health scare and why you've been avoiding him making love to you. It may also be a good time to talk about your past or how you recently found out he's been cheating on you. Tread carefully or you guys will unleash a torrent of emotions. You don't say things they won't be able to handle. Your levels of maturity differ.
Compliments: Give and ye shall receive. Knowing you're appreciated goes a long way in making you a better person. Compliment their looks, style, effort in bringing out the best in you and others etc.
Pastimes: You can chat about photography, sewing, couponing, or whatever it may be. There must be things you both love doing and if not, find a way of bringing them on board.
Vacation: Places you will like to visit. Make plans to be free at the same time so that you can have time for each other. Plan on how to save for it and for how long you'll be gone.
Advice: Your partner should be your confidant. If you are in a fix, draw from their well of experience. Don't look down on them thinking they have no wisdom. Two are better than one. And if they come to you, be objective as much as possible.
The people in your lives: These are friends, family and acquaintances. You gossip about those affecting you positively and negatively and make decisions on whether to draw closer or keep your distance. If either of you remembers an intimate event, you inform the other. If you receive a call from a friend or family on your birthday or an important event that is dear to your heart, you can be sure of one of three things, he must have remembered on his own, his partner told him about it, or someone else did. A loving couple supports each other. For instance, don't withhold information about your family from your spouse to corroborate the ugly story they've been telling about him not respecting or caring about them. If your partner and extended family don't have good relations, let your partner know how you feel and discuss ways of making things better.
Sex: Be expressive. Talk about your favorite sexual positions and erogenous zones. Some people are shy about this and it can be frustrating when you don't please your partner in bed because they aren't cooperative. Men and woman have parts of their bodies that excite them during foreplay. You should know each other better. Cheating isn't the solution but dialogue.
The Future: A good talk about your your future ambitions doesn't end with self, a job interview, your parents or the in-laws. Set realistic goals and carry your partner along. You both should have an idea of where you want to be in 5 years. If you are not yet married, as your partner talks effusively about his future, you'll know if you're in it. Marriage, career, retirement plans, kids college funds, mortgage are all in the now for some and in the future for others. You don't have to get there until you start planning. You can't just come home oneday and claim to have bought a house. Then you drop another bombshell. "Guess what? We are moving today!" Some wouldn't mind but many would be surprised and upset they never knew about it and also, never got to choose the design, color, or location. Which might bring up a few expected questions such as "Does my opinion ever count at all? Is a divorce in the offing? Has he started planning my death too?" I will let you be if your partner isn't big on planning and always gives you the autonomy to do so but if that's not the case and you've been getting away with it, next time, you may not be that lucky. It's also good to have options should your plans fail. *To be honest, getting me a house in Beverly Hills in my name sounds super good, and yes, I'll move in a heartbeat.
Faith: This only makes us stronger. I am a Christian so talking about God is one of the things I do in my relationship. The Bible says iron sharpeneth iron. Sharing the same faith makes it easier. But if you are of different religions, that's great too. You can still talk about it without necessarily imposing your beliefs on the other person. I also advise folks to share their dreams. I am not talking about hopes and fantasies here but what happens when we sleep. You also pray about it if you have to because God talks to us in different ways. You talk about church programmes and the scripture. This earns you some respect. This shows you use your time wisely and your life doesn't revolve around him. Afterall, you are an entity. This doesn't undermine the fact that in love, two become one.

Communication doesn't have to be pre-planned. But listing your points helps with organization and time management.
Keep it simple: Try not to digress. They may not be as patient as you are.
Avoid repetitions: Remember, your partner is equally smart despite their level of education. He/She got the message the first time it was passed.
Be diplomatic: As much as you're trying to be honest, avoid hurting their feelings with harsh words. They're not your employee or younger sibling.
Stop assuming: Let them explain themselves. Don't put words in their mouths or think for them. Don't always assume you already know why they acted in a certain way or what they are about to say.
Listen: Even if you disagree with all that is being said, listen. Nodding and looking at the speaker doesn't mean you're listening. It would be embarassing if your contribution is contrary to what is being discussed. Discovering you've been pseudo-listening may hurt your partner deeply and they may not confide in you for a while. If you feel they are talking gibberish, still listen. If you're not just physically tired but also tired of hearing the same thing all the time, upset, bored, or simply have a lot on your mind, excuse yourself until you are ready for it. One of the rules of listening is not picking what you want to hear so as to use it against them. This is also known as aggressive listening or ambushing.
Mind your tone: Just as you're supposed to mind your language, mind your tone.
Be sensitive: Is the timing right? Effective communication isn't just about talking but the person understanding you as well. If the reception is cold, don't continue. Wait until later. Don't talk when he is drunk, angry, or when she is grumpy. You may be seen as selfish.
No distractions: When communicating, put aside gadgets like your cell phone, you could lower the volume of the Television too if what you are talking about is pretty serious but a conversation can occur at any time or place and for any reason. Your focus may be something you read online you'd like to share with them. If you want to correct them, don't do that in front of others. It's best to discuss with him or her in private. You don't need people to sort out your issues. Don't be rigid. Have fun.

The list doesn't end here. For self help, I recommend these books- The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts by Gary Chapman, Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman and 131 Creative Conversation Starters for couples by Jed Jurchenko. You can always shop for these online and many more. I hope I didn't take much of your time. Thanks for visiting my blog.